Three months ago I posted the following on LinkedIn:
The response was tremendous and I’m still interviewing and in many cases podcasting conversations with truly fantastic individuals who epitomize resilience and strategic risk-taking. This latest podcast features my former Director at Compass One Healthcare, the legendary Catherine Cape.
Catherine has been a powerful force in my life the past 6+ years – from her composure and poise to her huge heart to her brilliant abilities to see the big picture, yet get down in the weeds to untangle the world.
Listen to this podcast to learn more about Catherine, her bravery in how she handled exiting her 20+ year career at Compass One Healthcare – and how she is taking on her life with pure purpose and passion. Her stories are lively, relevant, and may prove helpful to those who want to break through. Thanks for joining us!
Emma just introduced me to Citizen Soldier – if you aren’t familiar with them, here’s a quick bio on their lead singer:
Citizen Soldier was born in 2016 when frontman Jake Segura penned the lyrics to “Let It Burn” from a psychiatric hospital. Now practicing as a clinical therapist, he implements intensely emotional lyrical themes on mental health into their music. The band presents an accessible message that combats stigmatization and provides a group therapy dynamic.
Join Dave Fox, a former colleague and dear friend who has helped me identify this year is the Grand Reopening of my life and me on my latest podcast (linked below)!
I may go on tour and sell t-shirts as Dave suggested, but more than likely I am going to bask in his wisdom and experiment with many of the possibilities while looking forward to the future.
Whether you are feeling ‘stuck’ in the job you are in, dreading a ‘retirement’ that looks nothing like what was expected, or telling yourself “there’s gotta be more to life than this” – this podcast is for you.
Take a listen (30-minute podcast / virtual hike), reframe, and join us as we explore and discuss possibilities!
One of my Mom’s dearest friends wrote me a message recently and said “I hope your Mom’s condition is getting better”. With all due respect and love, there is NO getting better with Dementia, it’s a progressive disease. And, when you add in Hospice which is supposed to be a 3-6 month program providing care for the actively dying (Nancy is on month eight and was recertified by Hospice this month for another six months), there’s even a greater chance of NOT getting better.
In fact, Nancy has lost four pounds since December 2022 (it’s now January 2023) and she’s completely vacant. From here we go to organ failure, probably a coma, or my worst nightmare, a fall that causes severe damage and per Nancy’s Advanced Directives, we do not treat any of that, other than mitigate pain/Hospice care.
For two years I have struggled to understand this beast of a disease called Dementia and with that, the best care to provide Nancy – from assisted living in 2021 to rehab from different incidents, to memory care, she’s experienced it all.
Here’s what I think is most important to understand as a caregiver for an elder with Dementia.
There are different types of Dementia, and for my purposes at this point in Nancy’s advanced state, it really doesn’t matter to me what type she has (which is mixed FYI).
This disease isn’t about them. They die a bit more every day from this brutal disease. This is about you coming to terms with it all. It is YOUR disease and it is killing you – body, mind, and spirit – slowly too. At the end of the day you have to make peace with EVERYTHING – from the guilt, to the choices you will be asked to make, to how to be compassionate toward someone who you may find yourself struggling to love – especially when you get triggered by the mental illness component – or when they don’t know who you are at all anymore. It all sucks and somehow you are now the full-blown adult who has to wake up each morning and dig deep to find some way to manage all of the issues, emotions and complications that come up.
Dementia, like grief isn’t linear. There are stages, but your Dementia-person may move in and out of the stages and there are times where you aren’t sure where they are anymore. If you step back and look at the patterns, the ups and downs, the big picture – you may have more clarity on what you are seeing and what could be coming.
For example, Nancy would be non-responsive, she would have health issues like a stroke, and then for some reason she would bounce back and bit and hold a 30-minute coherent conversation with me. Then she would become a bit more delusional and defiant – trying to get out of where she was, telling me she wanted her car keys, talking about things that were from the distant past like it was yesterday. She would even get belligerent with those who tried to help her. From there she would try to stand up in her wheelchair, try to walk, and then she would fall. The cycle kept repeating over and over and there was nothing that truly helped other than the ‘knowing’ that she was in her cycle. I call it my ‘cycle of doom’ and as of the last couple of months, her highs and lows have moderated a bit so the defiance and behavior issues still come into play, but with much less force and duration. She’s more of a category 1 storm instead of what we used to call her: Hurricane Nancy Category 5.
It may feel like you are all alone as you manage a dementia patient’s care. I’m learning through all of the support I’ve gotten from the different Facebook groups (Dementia Caregiver Support + Activities for Challenging Behaviors Community) and interactions I’ve had with others who have gone through similar situations, that I am definitely not alone.
Beyond the social media / friend support, I’ve learned invaluable lessons this past year:
Hospice has been my best friend through it all. I’ve worked with a few different Hospice nurses, PCAs, their social worker, and their chaplain and I’ve been so impressed. Basically when Nancy was falling repeatedly and her vitals were out of control, I called a Hospice group that someone recommended back in May of 2022. The lead hospice nurse came to visit with Nancy and me and once admitted, they took care of everything. They got her a hospital bed with semi-rails to help her from falling, they inspected her walker and wheelchair, reviewed her medications to streamline, they met with the Memory Care’s nursing team and staff to review Nancy’s needs and best practices for her care, and they went multiple times a week providing everything from compassionate care to showers to an extra set of hands and eyes – which was invaluable since Nancy’s Memory Care was struggling to keep things safe and staffed. I have used hospice twice – once for my Dad and the service was hideous and it was incredibly traumatic how things were handled. Gentle Shepherd in Central Virginia is the best and I wish they were the standard for all Hospice programs.
Virginia Department of Social Services (DSS) was brought in when a friend saw what was happening to Nancy. She called for an investigation in September and in December we learned that the Memory Care facility was in violation of keeping Nancy safe among other issues. DSS continues to be a huge advocate for positive change in Nancy’s world. Each State has it’s own DSS. Do some research on the services provided – from advocacy to financial support / guidance.
Department of Aging is an agency I just learned about through another friend. I have reached out to their Ombudsman to see what we can do to continue to support Nancy in her challenging situation. I will update more when I know more. Once again, this is a State agency.
Social Workers are INVALUABLE for the most part (had a few duds) – whether they work with the hospital, Hospice, or are independent. The Social Workers have helped identify placement from rehab and nursing care to identifying other potential memory care facilities or such. The Hospice Social Worker even calls me every week or so to just let me talk things out or even vent! Can’t be more appreciative for their guidance and support.
I will be posting more info. In the meantime I’m happy to connect you to resources and help identify what’s available in your State. Don’t hesitate to reach out… you are not alone. And, if you have other resources or suggestions – please feel free to share!
Wishing you and yours well as you work through all of this.
I have struggled with imposter syndrome in the past. Are you familiar with it?
Healthline.com defines Imposter syndrome, also called perceived fraudulence, as “involving feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite your education, experience, and accomplishments. To counter these feelings, you might end up working harder and holding yourself to ever higher standards”.
It’s like being a Type A and getting lots of great things done but deep down you believe you are a failure or a fake and secretly doubt you really did accomplish anything.
After years of working through this and finding ways to stand in myself and believe in myself, I have a HUGE concern about true imposters like George Santos who has a completely different take on accomplishments and values.
How is he still in office, oh wait… let’s look at new normal and the precedent (Oh, don’t worry, I get that this has been going on since the beginning of time, but now that everything is public and paraded on the internet, can’t we actually demonstrate morals, values, ethics, even just good behavior please!!!??) – so, the first politician that comes to mind from my history is Bill Clinton and his blatant abuse of power and misconduct, I don’t need to say much about Trump – it’s self-evident at this point, or is it? And now, the completely delusional and whack-a-mole mentality being accepted by those who are still allowing Santos to represent the state of NY and influence the greater country – what the heck?!?
Is this our future? Where delusional or manipulative people are going to have the ability to make decisions for us, speak for us, represent us? Not in my world! I’ve had enough of Santos and other leaders. I’m all for supporting mental health. That doesn’t mean I’m going to accept Narcissistic Personality Disorder / Compulsive Lying from anyone – republican, democrat, reptilian, or otherwise…
I loved what Representative Forster wrote recently: “I am very pleased that my Republican colleague Dr. George Santos, who won not only the Nobel Prize but also the Fields Medal – the highest honor in mathematics – for his pioneering work with imaginary numbers, is a member of the Science Committee”. <source>
Seriously, this is what we’ve come to? I feel for Santos as I wonder how he got to be a serial liar and how there appears to be no one in his life to remind him that lying will lead to ‘pants on fire’. I hope that he gets the help he needs, recognizes that he is doing more harm than good for himself and for people like my teen and her generation who already have less than a 16% approval rating of the USA right now according to a recent poll – and only 36% of Millennials are proud to live in the USA. What does that tell us about how things are going? Up until 2016, we didn’t dip below 80% of citizens being “extremely or very proud” to be an American.<source>
This is no different than what I see in the corporate / organizational environment in the States. Our younger generations, who make up the majority of the workforce are done with the games. Whether in politics or in the organization, we need leaders who inspire, motivate, and create realities based on the greater good without the drivers of manipulation, self-centeredness, and greed. We are beyond needing hope. We need evidence that our lives are not suppressed, entangled, and destroyed by corruption of others.
I have an relative who keeps telling me she wishes the younger people would vote. I want to tell her this – they are voting, voting with their feet, voting with their choices. They know it’s a selection process, not an election process. They know that they can create change by doing what they want to do, the way they do it. I’m so impressed with the innovation taking place. I’m so thankful that these ‘leaders of self’ are not looking for the glory and spotlight. Yes, there are still the 34-year-old Santos types of the world who will bring absurdity and remind us the importance of mental health. At the end of the day, we need to call out what we are seeing. When possible do it with kindness, or at least civil humor like Representative Forster wrote about Santos and his imaginary numbers.
The only way things will improve is if we call out what is not good and reinforce what is… so that is my focus for the near future. I do see positive change and I do believe most people are trying to make this world a better place! Thank you to each of you for being among those courageous individuals who stand in their authentic selves. Keeping shining – we so need more of you and less imposters in the world.
Peace and love y’all, here’s to honoring the right people for the right things!
Coming off the holidays and dealing with a sick household where NONE of us (even the dog) was ok for about 10 days, I returned to whatever my new normal is and felt incredibly stuck, lost, and wondering if I could still pack a punch! I did what any weary human being would do – scroll through news headlines (a habit I would like to break), scroll through social media (looked for ‘miserable company’ as I wallowed and wanted to know I wasn’t alone), and stared at the fridge and cupboards wishing I had an appetite but would invariably find a piece of chocolate and walk away.
So, what’s the cure for those who are wallowing or wishing for a sunny, warm, beach trip?
1) Accept that it’s ok to be in this space.
2) Know you are not alone – trust me, my coaching clients and peeps are all feeling trepidation and ‘stuckness’ as we step not so boldly into 2023.
3) Recognize that you will have bad moments, hours, days, weeks potentially and that’s ok too.
4) Start infusing hope and highlights back into your life, whether you review photos and memories, reach out to dear friends and family, or put stuff on your calendar that brings heart smiles – for example, I love home and garden shows. I’ve put every event I could find within a two-hour radius (and even some in places I want to visit) on my calendar. I’ve booked a trip to Virginia Beach, and I am choosing speaking engagements this week that align with my passions. It’s amazing what momentum can do.
5) Speaking of momentum, choose to do something, no matter how small that gets you off the couch, out of bed, or away from your desk (if needed). I started walking more during daylight hours (used to walk at dawn and dusk but that sunlight makes such a difference!) Clean the fridge, empty out an drawer of junk and see what you don’t need anymore. Just getting up and doing something different has such positive effects on well-being. (Also, helping others, volunteering, visiting an animal shelter or rescue can also be very good for the soul!)
6) And, something I learned after my brother died by suicide in March 2012 – the transition from winter to spring is a draining process. Not only do we have to recalibrate as we come out of safe and quiet hibernations and be more socially active / re-engage according to ‘social norms’, but we are being bombarded with hormones and neuro-chemicals that are trying to re-activate us. It’s a lot to take, and I’ll be honest, it’s not surprising that the Center for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Center for Health Statistics report that “suicide rates in the United States are lowest during the winter months and highest in the spring and summer”. <Wikipedia>
For those of you right now staring at your computer, and looking for inspiration — here it is! It truly doesn’t take much to shift into a motivated space and place – WHEN YOU ARE READY! Want to talk it out and see if we can identify ways to kick-start your 2023? Reach out to me for a safe and confidential conversation.
Know you are not alone, especially in these months which tend to be tough on all of us…
In the meantime, here are some of my favorite memes to help with motivation, inspiration, and heart smiles (maybe a few groans too!)
I had a series of goals I defined a year ago – just before I resigned from the corporate full-time gig:
I wanted to work 20-30 hours per week and make around the same pay – ✅ YEP! Even took a month off to support my teen before, during, and after surgery a few weeks ago while we recovered in a tropical beautiful place. (Oh, and we don’t have health insurance FYI – and our investment in her health far outweighed what a restrictive and invasive health care plan would have covered/not covered).
I wanted to make a difference, to inspire, to lead with a servant heart, to make this world a better place for my teen! ✅ Getting there – from amazing clients who are committed to developing themselves and their people – from individuals to huge orgs like National Geographic Society, Cox Communications, and Lumious, I am co-creating programs and opportunities for authentic leadership and people-first cultures!
I wanted to call the shots and not be at the whim of agendas that weren’t mine – ☑ not fully but pretty darn close! I still have some deadlines that are not self-determined, but they are always negotiable and everyone is more than accountable for their parts of the projects.
I needed flexibility so I could do my own thing whether it was writing, speaking engagements, healing, focusing on my teen’s needs, being more present with the hubby, navigating hospice and care for my mother ✅ NAILED IT-ISH! 🙂 Always room for improvement but we have done more, been more, stood up more in ourselves as a little family and it’s been life-changing in so many ways – for the better! We are dreaming more – and living those dreams!
I needed to figure out what I wanted the second half of my life was going to look like, or not look like. I’ve spent 12 years being a caregiver to my brother, my dad, and now my mom. I’ve done everything I could to create a better life and give roots and safety to my teen during crazy times. I needed to know that, despite my own health issues and challenges, this was not a downhill slope for me – ☑ doing better than I was a year ago.
So what does my year look like:
And, people actually read what I write? We broke 2000 views this month!
Woo hoo! Couldn’t have done it without y’all!
And special shout-outs to:
Jeff – my life coach and the love of my life – aka editor and creative wrangler
Emma – my heart — and Shay my soul offspring! Old souls who have pushed every boundary and made me even more confident to stand in my power
I have two Holly B’s and two Tanya W’s – all four power-houses make this world a better place every day and are right there when we need them!
Jen H, and Karal – my wise-soul sisters!
My Weber ‘aunties’ who give so much unconditional love!
Ragan and Marah – my source for belly laughs and heart smiles
Helen and Janet – my soul Mommas and life advisors
Elaina, Trish, Kathy, Tina, and Rosanne – for keeping an eye on me and my mom
Catherine, Jen S, Negin, Linda, Joy, Shannon, Aric, Christina, Jacqueline, Sara, Ellen, Stephanie, and Gisele – for always holding light, making brave choices, and cheering me on
Nick – for keeping me on track, even though he doesn’t know he’s a North Star for me
Dave – because every phone call is my most favorite phone call!
Sterling – for being among the most authentic and compassionate human beings I know
Alecia, Robin, Jacqueline, Nancy, Messoud, Tanya L., Rana, and Stacy for their huge hearts and unconditional love for the world
Mabel, Wally, Marie, John, Ellen – for keeping an eye out for us and lots of love (and yummy food!)
Cynthia – for being a house away and always in our hearts
Codi, Tom, Tara, Sabrina, Deb, Sunshine, Beth, Prachel and Jeremy – honored to work with you — and loving all the cool opportunities!
Mary Anne – for EVERYTHING you do and for who you are
Kathy, Cesca, Donna, Sheelagh, Sharon, Leandra, Shonn, Karal, Marcia, Jen H – for your healing, your wisdom, your light
All my spectacular clients / colleagues – you rock!
And, if I didn’t name you this round, I will so make sure you know how much you mean to me!
Here I thought I was the end of the family line… I’m surrounded with amazing soul family!
All the best in 2023!
And, from coaching to motivational speaking to training/leadership development – please consider me for any and all of your self / people development needs!
This person is in a wheelchair and can not hold herself up.
It is against the law to use restraints in the USA (not Canada).
It depends on the point-of-view of the person answering – i.e. the facility responsible for keeping my mother safe, the Department of Social Services (DSS) investigator, and those of us feeling completely helpless…
The answer I will provide is based on DSS findings (and my own documentation gathered from facility reports to me). No need to provide any other answers, as her facility doesn’t seem to care how many falls my Mom has (although they admit it’s wrong she is left unattended) and I think one fall is one too many when negligence is the issue….
According to the DSS findings, the facility reported falls on 3/9, 3/10 (transported to hospital 3/11 and moved to rehab through 3/29), 4/22, 5/17, 5/17-18, 6/20, (6/24 NOT REPORTED – see photo below of injuries to her face) they also told me she started vomiting on the 6/25 – NOT REPORTED), 7/28, 9/15 (they found her on the floor of the activities room), 9/23 (left her at bathroom sink where she tried to stand up – unattended – and wash her hands. 10/15 NOT REPORTED, nor was Hospice or I notified in a timely manner (hours). 10/30 NOT REPORTED. 11/16 – NOT REPORTED. 12/7 – NOT REPORTED. Just found a few more based on my Facebook posts that were NOT REPORTED. See below.
So more than one per month – 14+ that I know of since 1/1/22. I know there are more based on what I am told when I visit, but not all were documented, nor was I notified.
Here’s another kicker — on 9/23/22 she was sent out to the hospital, despite orders not to given her Do Not Transport and Hospice situation. She was sent without any ‘advocate’ despite her not being able to remember anything, communicate, or make decisions. Spoke with the administrator at the facility and I was told:
“In memory care we don’t have 1:1 care available; falls are going to happen.”
“I agree she shouldn’t have been left alone.”
The memory care team also admitted to NOT realizing my Mom was in Hospice care.
Here’s the DSS report I just received a few weeks ago which is public information if you want to search for it. I can’t provide a direct link so click on the link below and search for Our Lady of the Valley.
And here is what almost one year looks like – from Christmas Eve last year (see clock on the wall) to current January 5, 2023.
Christmas Eve 2021 – One Year Ago
March 15, 2022 – Medical Sitter saw chest bruises
Notes from Medical Sitter – April 3, 2022 – reported findings to facility
June 24, 2022
June 26, 2022
June 29, 2022
July 20, 2022
From Video – July 27 2022
At least she’s smiling (and heavily medicated) July 28, 2022
August 28, 2022
October 16, 2022
November 18, 2022
January 15, 2023 113 pounds
I don’t even know what to do with this or how to help her.
Now that the facility has been found in violation, what next? Do they kick her out and say she’s too much to handle?
Rehab/Nursing Care is >$10K a month out of pocket. We have had to pay for both of her rooms / overlap at Our Lady of the Valley twice now. I have spent so much time, lost work, and lost my own health trying to keep my Mom safe.
She can’t keep falling like this – it’s absurd. Oh, and she has fallen since the DSS report came out in Dec 2022.
I would love your insights / advice. I can’t believe I’m fighting for her to be released and have no good plan. It’s like dealing with my Dad being locked down and coming home for 16 hours with Hospice all over again. I feel so helpless…
It’s been a really tough week, as a wife, as a mom, as a daughter, as a human being.
I’ll admit, things got a little dark and I still feel a bit uneasy about where we stand as a little family right now. We are currently in what is considered paradise by many and I truly wish we never came here. We flew down to see a medical specialist/surgeon for Emma and there isn’t a day that we don’t all look at each other and say “we hate it here”.
We certainly don’t belong in this world, and I’m questioning how well I will belong in any world moving forward. The people, the traffic, the drivers, the egos, the stores, the bigger-better-faster – it’s all a bit much. I feel like I am in a rich person’s Mad Max as lawlessness and ‘every man for themselves’ has been the norm this week.
I am more unsettled in this place where every driveway has either a Lamborghini, two BMWs, three Land Rovers, four boats, or all of the above – than I was jogging in the evenings in downtown Baltimore where I was chased by some scary characters on a regular basis.
Going to the local high-end grocery store makes me feel like I’m in the Red-Light District in Amsterdam as men who smell like cologne factories wearing more jewelry that is worth more than our house — and have more chest-hair than head-hair make me feel incredibly uncomfortable as they throw inappropriate comments my way.
Even the natural world that I would expect has been bastardized and humanized to the point of being toxic and de-energizing.
This isn’t the world I envisioned. In fact, about 18 years ago I was having powerful visions which were attributed to what we call ‘my awakening’. It was during this time I left the systems, the conventional world, and learned about things that I had no real experience with – mostly the spiritual side of my life. So here I am again, relying on that deep faith, hope, and knowing that we will get through this, but honestly questioning if we want to…things have been so wonky, it’s hard to be hopeful.
It’s not just the environment we are in that is draining us, it’s the spiritual attacks as we would call them. There are one too many to name, but I can tell you we can’t help but laugh at the absurdity and the ‘no one would believe us’ if we told them what was going on…
So, we leave here in two days and we can’t wait to get back to our little mountain town in Virginia. Emma has about a six-week recovery from surgery she had on Tuesday, and I know it will all be ok, but what’s next? We had planned on going to Europe for a few weeks but Jeff pointed out that every time we leave our little sanctuary, we are so disappointed. He’s right, and there is a good chance that Europe won’t be as amazing as I remember it from 25 years ago!
I cried like a baby yesterday telling Jeff that I realized I don’t belong in this world. This isn’t what I signed up for! I’ve spent the better part of 18 years being a warrior, infusing as much love and hope into this world, hoping that it would make a difference. In some ways I felt so abnormal and alone in my efforts. And then, all of the sudden it became cool to recycle, to can food from the garden, to have dirt under my nails, to wear second-hand clothing, to spend time in nature, to give a shit about something other than my own life and give back to something greater than all of us. I felt peace living as naturally as possible and raising our child to be conscious of our planet and people. Until 2020 It was ok that we didn’t vaccinate her. It was ok that we honored powers greater than us in natural ways and moved away from religion. It was ok that we started homeschooling/unschooling Emma after she was terrorized in 3rd grade.
And now? Now we are feeling the divisiveness take over again. We are feeling unsafe in our views, our practices, and our reason for being. And it’s starting to take its toll.
We aren’t alone, and that is why I’m writing this and sharing what I read last night. There are no coincidences, so when I saw two other posts on FB that completely captured our sentiments, I knew there was something to the despair and dissonance that we’ve been feeling, especially this week while we are completely outside of our comfort zone.
I have permission to share these posts and then I will share my vision with you. I’m hoping that this resonates with others who may not be feeling safe or are thinking they don’t belong in this world either. We do belong here – we just need to name it and claim it, and here’s my attempt at doing that:
A POST FROM EARLIER TODAY ON FACEBOOK:
ANOTHER POST FROM A DIFFERENT FACEBOOK PEEP THE SAME DAY:
Here is my vision that I have held since 2003. I did have pieces of this vision even as a young child, but was reprimanded for my views on inclusion, peace, and politics. My Dad saw me as a new-age greenie, my Mom said there was something wrong with my head, my brother would call me flakey. They never supported my efforts to advocate for our people and planet. I tempered all of that and tried to stand in what they wanted for me for years, and I believe the time has come that I use my voice, my talents, and my energy for what I believe in:
I am done with religion as the self-righteous who protect their own and are blind to the world around them.
I am done with the rich and powerful who flaunt their fortunes and ignore those in need unless it benefits them from a tax / financial standpoint. There is no lack, just selfishness and fear.
I would wake up each morning knowing that we were loved and supported for who we are and what we stand in – even if different from others and their view.
We would each take care of each other without losing ourselves in the process. Our children would be protected from the monsters of the world and would be safe being themselves. Our elders would be honored and treated with dignity and love. And those of us in the middle wouldn’t be dreaming of a retirement that we can’t afford anyway. We would do what we love, earn more than a living wage without being burned out by corporations that put profit before people.
We would grow ourselves and cultivate healthy relationships based on mutual respect and unconditional love for each other.
We would build communities, garden, care for our livestock/animals, share in harvests nourishing each other while creating natural spaces that support clean air, water, land.
We would share our gifts with others without hesitation. Can you imagine if each of us donated 2-4 hours a week to and advocated for a cause we believed instead of watching the latest brainwashing news or digital manipulation?
We would focus on healing body, mind, and spirit in holistic and healthy ways without fear or risk (or four minutes of side-effects from xyz in advertisements for drugs / treatments that are supposed to help, not harm).
We would learn about our gifts, be surrounded by tribes that support us standing in those gifts, while feeling completely safe just being ourselves.
We would elevate, raise the vibrations around us, and not feel the need to do – we would just be and trust that there is no lack – that there is enough for EVERYONE.
There would be peace, not war. Community not division. Pride and not ego. Love without control or fear.
This is my world. This is how I have and always will envision it. I would love to hear about yours!
These past couple of weeks have opened up our lives for outside influences and growth opportunities more than our wedding and giving birth to Emma. Our ‘coming out’ has put us in the spotlight and with that a lot of good, and a lot of good intentions.
Some however, were not received as well as intended. Don’t get me wrong. It has been an incredibly powerful time full of unexpected surprises – from gifts to hugs to heart-felt messaging to support, our little family is feeling a sense of peace and safety we haven’t felt in years. But with the newfound exposure has come a lot of feedback and words of wisdom, all of which has spurred many conversations between all of us.
As we work through the words of support and the words that trigger, I can’t help but shift my mindset back to a dear friend/warrior spirit/soul-family/former colleague and co-lead of the Diversity and Inclusion committee I worked with and their wisdom. Holly’s (shared with permission) sage advice and guidance for us was beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear:
When you said that Emma is surround by a “soul family” that made me smile. Too often when young folks identify we see once supportive adults stray from being their most fiercest supporters and that is so incredibly sad. Just remember, supporting one another and changing the narrative about “the norm in our neighborhoods” or “the norm in our churches” or “the norm in our political views” was purely something almost always learned, passed down and accepted as “gospel” or “what we have to be/meet to be deemed worthy of love or acceptance.”
But now that we know better than what we were “taught to hold true, what’s approved of or accepted” we have the opportunity to be better and show up better for those we love.
It starts with one simple step, one change, one small affirmation or movement…after that, if you keep your courage up to challenge our thresholds of what’s deemed as “the norm”…you can help to create the ripples of the fiercest chain of change out there. Don’t let up…keep your head up and know you are doing exactly what Emma needs and deserves as human in this world. 😀🌸💞
For Emma: You ROCK my friend! Keep shining that beautiful light of yours in this world…we sure need it! ✨🤗
We always used to end every Diversity and Inclusion presentation at work with “when you know better, do better”. Holly infused all of this into my way of thinking and being — and continues to through her messaging. How brilliant – how awesomesauce it is to have Holly in our worlds, right!??!
The other truth that Holly shared that I embraced was around “keep your courage up to challenge the thresholds of what’s deemed as “the norm” you can create the ripples of the fiercest chain of change out there”.
Pushing the boundaries of the norm is something I am very versed at, and because of that we’ve had quite the journey. It’s more personal now, especially when it comes to that incredible sweet child o’mine, but it’s for that reason I’m going to push a bit and share some of the lessons learned through the feedback and experiences we’ve had since ‘coming out’.
Know too that I’m sharing lessons Emma taught me, as xe has been hearing and reading a lot of the feedback and says things like “can we tell them I don’t use the word daughter or girl?” or “can I write a blog post on how to talk to someone who is non-binary”?
All of Emma’s wisdom has been invaluable. And, for the first time ever, I was able to hold a conversation with her and I got my pronouns and terminology correct. It was nice not to trigger her – and to feel pride in knowing I represented properly!
In addition to Emma opening up and showing up fully as themselves, We’re seeing a shift in the neighborhood (and how we show up around others). Don’t get me wrong, this little neighborhood rocks, but I think the ‘lockdown years’ closed us off a bit. The messages, support, and love have been so heart-warming!
After one of my favorite people in the world who lives across the street brought us a stunning and yummy raspberry chocolate cake in a box decorated with a Pride flag, we started talking about all of the attention we received this week. Emma has completely changed – not just her mood has shifted, but her actions and you can see that she feels safe.
We took many walks through the neighborhood this week and Emma even asked to go for walks instead of us ‘nudging’ her to get fresh air! They went with me to Food Lion and didn’t seem phased by the outing. They obviously feels comfortable showing up as themself. At the same time, they seems to be working their way through the recognition and expressions of love being shared and a few comments did trigger her a bit.
I challenged Emma the other night and said something to the effect of – “you know that they mean well, and for some of these people this is so outside their norm and perhaps their belief system but they love you and want to show support?” I added “we have to recognize too that they may be offended by us sharing how to use gender pronouns properly or correcting anyone who references you as ‘daughter’”? Emma then simply stated “Mom, we aren’t going to open the doors for change by not speaking our truth”.
We also had a good family discussion around someone else who has mentioned a few times that Emma is young and hasn’t had enough life experience to know better and that they can’t understand why we put all of this ‘out there’ for everyone to read. Emma simply said to me “we don’t need them to understand, just accept me, acknowledge me, support me for who I am right now”.
Please know, Emma is the most compassionate and powerful human being I know. She has so much life experience and has learned from our family’s trauma-drama better than we have in some cases. She witnessed first-hand what my Mom disowning me did to my well-being. She know how hard it was to work through divorce with my strict Catholic parents who didn’t ‘get me’.
I’m not going to do that to Emma, and thus why we ‘came out’ publicly. I want her to know she has a circle of support. I want her to know she is safe. I want to be that fierce strong Momma that Emma needs and when I falter or get stuck in my own head and fear the unknown landscape that faces us the morning after a blog post or … So here we are, and here is the awesome support circle that Emma can go to at anytime for chocolate cake, hugs, words of wisdom, and unconditional love. We still have a lot to work through, but we’re not doing it alone anymore. Thank you all! You made a tough decision so worthwhile! More to come soon! ❤
NOTE: I have full permission from my little family to share this post. I also realize there may be backlash. Please be kind and consider what you would do if a loved one was having a similar experience.
I pride myself on being a good Mom and a decent human being, and as a relatively self-aware person…
I was thrown for a loop though on a recent trip. We took our teen to New England and spent quite a bit of time in Portsmouth, NH. I used to travel there for work pre-pandemic and it became one of my favorite destinations. I so wanted share the beauty of the people and place with my family.
One afternoon we took Emma (she/her they/them) downtown, and immediately she lit up, which was quite the fascinating experience given we were working through some deep despair the day before and she refused to leave the Airbnb.
Don’t get me wrong, I have worked incessantly to create a safe environment for Emma, especially for the past couple of years when we started having conversations I wasn’t quite ready for about non-binary and other LGBTQ+ related topics. We include gender studies and discussions in most of our daily homeschool-related conversations. Emma is surrounded by a soul family who gets the journey she is on… and I’ve purposely chosen work that puts me in Diversity, Equity, Justice, and Inclusion projects.
In fact, most of last year I championed DEI Toolkit development for a large healthcare company – not just for the company, but for mainly for Emma, Emma was front and center in helping find content, explaining that content to me in a way that helped me build out training, and reviewing the Toolkits and providing feedback for the team. It was a way I could keep her connected to a world that supported her, and they did. She joined meetings, we did a podcast and interviewed her, and colleagues even sent her recognition and letters for all of her contributions.
I’ve continued supporting DEI activities for different organizations and infuse my podcasts and trainings with kindness, civility, compassion, equity… and she is right there with me providing insights and helping me with my messaging.
So, how is it that Portsmouth made her so happy? Here are some of the photos she took and shared with her friends. In some cases, she made us stop the car, back up, cross the street, you name it, if she saw something that made her feel safe, she captured it and smiled doing so!
So, it’s a week later and this truly has been keeping me up at night. The whole travel day home I thought a lot about how could I help her feel safe in our small southern conservative Christian town. There are no Pride flags, if anything there are too many Confederate flags. There are no Pride signs, just a lot of F* Biden signs. There are no doormats that her feet feel safe stepping on, just a lot of ‘bless your hearts’ or ‘Thank you Jesus’ references.
Almost everyone here has asked if Emma has a boyfriend yet. Family members are less than accepting of her. Almost everyone here challenges me on the choices we have made to support Emma – from letting her color her hair to homeschooling without the Christian curriculum. I keep my mouth shut as much as I can, play it small, and try not to stir the pot. We are outsiders – with her and Jeff having Canadian roots – to our spirituality, to our political views, to how we work and play. We don’t ‘fit in’ here, but that’s ok. We do love our neighbors and friends – we just are very careful in how we present ourselves.
On the flight home I thought a lot about how I’ve played it safe in order to protect Emma, and I realized helping her feel safe was as important as protecting her. I knew what I had to do. I ordered doormats, flags, banners, and other representations of our views. It starts with us… I just finished hanging the first-round of banners and flags up. My pup and I set up new doormats. Perhaps our community will join us as we promote peace, love, acceptance, inclusion – as I’ve never seen a pride flag anywhere nearby.
I don’t need everyone to align on our views beyond that. I think starting with that is good enough and lets Emma know she is safe being herself when she walks in our neighborhood or when visits with neighbors.
I may lose some friends over this post, but I’ll be honest, I’m kinda hoping I gain some too! 🙂
I’m so proud of my teen and appreciate her patience as I figure out how to walk the talk and stand with her, as I truly embrace her needs, as I finally get ’empathy’ at a very deep level.
How can you best support someone, even when it’s tough? Trust me, putting it out there was really hard today, but I know it’s the right thing… Peace, love, and pride y’all!
Meet Ragan Brown (LinkedIn profile), one of my favorite human beings who has been ‘available’ to be there, to manage healthcare for her elders, to do it all from a very young age – and is now a working professional (I met her while working at Compass), a wife, a Mom, an absolute riot, a masterful juggler, and such a wise ‘old soul’.
I had the pleasure of recording this podcast with her recently.
What I love about this podcast:
The beauty of our conversation is how Ragan has reframed all of her experiences – as she recognizes they have helped her develop her resilience and compassion. I love our discussion around being soft but strong, especially as women in the workplace. And how important it is for us to lift each other up.
As we chatted about ‘how to do it all be it all’, Ragan reflects her powerful journey and how, now that she’s in her 40s, she’s just now starting to find herself – to find time for herself. Her self-reflection is also opening up realizations about what she may have missed out on and relationships that may have been impacted by her choices. We close the podcast by talking about righting wrongs and being at peace with the space we are holding as a result of our experiences — no regrets, just restoration when possible.
Feel free to join in on our conversation through social media (wherever you found this post).
Stay tuned for future 1/4 Happy Hours! We promise to make these 15 minutes worthwhile!
I had the pleasure of facilitating the Biomed’s Guide to Working Through Burnout to a group of 100+ Biomedical Technicians.
These are a great group of healthcare heroes that often work behind the scenes testing, maintaining, calibrating and repairing medical equipment in healthcare facilities.
I have worked with the Biomeds for years and was honored when the President of the NC Biomed’s Association invited me to be the Keynote Speaker at their Annual Symposium in Pinehurst, NC.
I’ll admit, I kicked off the session with full force, however, things were a bit quiet at first. They were just served a gourmet lunch, so that was part of the quiet (other than the munching noises!), however, everyone seemed to be focused on me and what I was saying. They were able to answer trivia questions and nodded when the nods should happen and their body language reflected the sentiment of the content.
The presentation was focused on mental health and I used a model that aligned with their own work model around equipment repair. In this presentation, however, the equipment was them – we focused on their heads, their hearts, and their bodies.
In a roomful of 99% men, it was quite interesting to watch how things unfolded compared to the kumbaya session I did in Florida last December to a 99% female audience. In December we were hugging, crying, laughing, sharing our deepest fears and traumas.
This week’s group was much more reserved until a participant in the back put up his hand and said “asking for a friend, can you share that mental health tests web site again…”. After the chuckling died down, there was a cascade of other questions and real discussions began – often beginning with “asking for a friend”… 😉
Note: this is the web site – and it provides a variety of quick anonymous ‘tests’ on things like depression, anxiety, adult ADHD, PTSD, job burnout, and more. It will not replace an official diagnoses from a professional, but it will give you a place to start. https://www.mind-diagnostics.org/
I had such a great time, talked to some fascinating individuals, and was able to make contact with quite a few people who wanted me to do similar talks – one asked for their husband who is in the police force another person inquired about me facilitating in-service workshops for his wife’s school district.
The best part! I saw old friends who I used to work with and felt completely safe and welcomed by their hugs and smiles.
Five days later and I am still pumped up! This week I finalize my presentation for the 2022 FNCE (Food and Nutrition Conference + Expo) and start planning my travel to Orlando as one of their featured speakers on managing through crisis. I think they are expecting up to 10K attendees!?!
If you are interested in talking about how I can support your events, whether in person or digitally, I would love to learn more and chat about how we can co-create a custom and memorable experience.
I can facilitate on any content related to well-being from a professional and personal development standpoint with the goal of self-reflection and practical strategies to help us show up to work and in life as our best selves.
Special thanks to Codi Nelson and Sterling Brown for making this week possible!
Hope to reconnect / connect with you all soon. Take care y’all! Colleen
Yes I’m still doing my own thing – and loving it! It’s been absolutely busy, at times – however, I haven’t lost sight of the dream as I continue to balance the demands of my new normal. For now I’ve got a rhythm that works for me and the little family and I’m making the most of the work I do and the life I live.
I took today off to evaluate where I am and where I want to go. Lots of ideas and plans underway as I take on the next six months. Thought it would be good to celebrate the first six months of Forged by Life and thank you all for your on-going support and smiles!
I just uploaded this 1:50 video to share what’s going on and let y’all know I’m still doing what I set out to do (and am getting paid to do it!) Stay tuned for another update soon. Take care everyone! We’ve got this!
I had no idea that I was a candidate for a nervous breakdown. I was so focused on recovering from burnout that I didn’t see I had all the signs… not to be dramatic. Just wanted to share what I’ve learned, as my journey continues to be full of surprises and lessons.
The nervous breakdown kicked in the night after I saw my Mom in the ER a few weeks ago. It was such a surreal and horrible experience at the hospital – to see how our healthcare system continues to struggle despite being staffed by amazing people who are probably feeling much of what I am feeling…and more!
I had a week of multiple panic attacks during the night, during the day, they came in fast and furious. I thought just when I had gotten things settled a bit more for my Mom, we were back at square one and I would have to find yet another stay for her journey through all of her major health crises.
I was trying all sorts of natural remedies for anxiety and filling any free moments of peace with naps as I wasn’t sleeping much at all. I was still working almost full=time as a contractor and doing my best to keep up with Forged and my family stuff.
I literally was following all the steps and trying all the techniques for staying grounded, but they don’t prepare you for caring for an elder with dementia. They don’t tell you that they walk around naked (in fact, I just learned my Mom was going to the dining room without anything on her bottom half just now). They don’t tell you that playing with feces is a thing! They don’t tell you that STDs are more common in assisted living / memory care facilities than in high school kids! They don’t tell you that paranoia, volatility, and aggression are part of the advanced stages of dementia. It’s enough to make me crazy – and it did.
And, as quickly as I figured out I was losing it, I came back. I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and completely agitated and Jeff took me downstairs to get something to drink and talk it out. I was having vivid nightmares, and I had just woken up to dreaming that Jeff and I were swept up in our RV by a tornado. I was pumping the brakes thinking we were skidding into traffic, but realized we were being catapulted into traffic. I’m not thinking this is a prophetic dream, as we did have a tornado warning that night.
Anyway, I yelled out to the Universe that I refused to be this person who was scared and freaking out. That I was not going to take anymore of this BS… and that I was stronger than this. I also detached myself from my Mom’s behaviors and just said “oh well”… whether I visit her or not doesn’t matter much anymore. It’s like a Ground Hog day that keeps getting worse because I keep looking for the positive but dementia keeps taking parts of her away and tainting my memories with the craziest of experiences.
Nothing like a day with farm animals to ground me 🙂
So, here I am after forcing myself to get my shit together, ‘requiring’ Jeff take me out for date nights and weekend festivals despite my aversion to people (in the general sense), and I’m feeling like myself again (still taking natural anxiety remedies but I’m sleeping, eating, breathing normally, and socializing – so that’s a start!). During this time I also fell and damaged my ‘bionic’ wrist and twisted myself up – but that too is reparable and it’s not going to keep me down.
What do I do with all this – I recognize that I can work through stress and burnout all I want, but inevitably things can happen that can take me to ‘nervous breakdown land’ without much warning. I see it clearly looking back and can describe when it hit in complete detail.
Today, I decided I wanted to share what I’ve learned through my research and experiences. And I offer my services to those of you who may resonate with this information. Here’s a cool infographic I found on Nervous Breakdown symptoms. Can you relate?
Stay well and be true to your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs my friends!
Ancestral Ties to Bad-Ass Women – Grace O’Malley – The Pirate Queen
I have been a warrior for as long as I can remember. From defending my little brother in neighborhood fights to taking on the school bully when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. He used to knock everyone down and loved picking on my brother and me. ‘Bobby the Bully’ was a large 5th grader and the day I knocked him to the ground (looking back I think he probably fell on purpose) he kissed me and then pulled up my skirt. That’s when I refused to wear a skirt or dress to school ever again btw!
When I was 11 or 12 I was in the back seat of our car driving through Old Town Alexandria. While looking out my window I witnessed a man slap a woman in the face – really hard. I opened up my car door to jump out and defend her. I don’t know if my parents saw what happened but I did. I wasn’t going to let that bully hurt her again. Of course my parents stopped me but I was so angry and quite honestly shell-shocked. I guess I didn’t realize that grown-ups hit people too.
As I grew up, I witnessed bullying in different forms. My Dad was a presidential appointee and served multiple presidents advocating for equity in education and working on several committees supporting the homeless and other marginalized groups. He was amazing. Well, he ruffled some feathers in 1991 and got moved from his cool office overlooking the Washington Mall to the basement (literally!). It was a figurative slap in the face and it really hit him hard. That’s when we agreed he was going to start his own consulting business and speak his truth. He and I became warriors in the field of education. I helped with his newsletters, conferences, and technology (back then it was WordStar, DOS, and dial up!) and he traveled the country and spoke to leaders, educators, faith-based organizations, and grass-roots organizers championing for what is right, for his truth.
So, here I am – free of the corporate constraints since late January and doing my best to speak my truth. This is the life I have technically dreamed of, but I’m holding back.
Why?
Fear of judgement, fear of repercussion, fear of hurting those I care about, fear of…
Many of those fears are valid (in my mind at least) – we have always kept our views fairly tempered as my hubby is here on a green card. Being scrutinized by the US Government is not one of our favorite past-times. We tend to have a different view of the world than the majority, however, we hold firm to our view that kindness and civility are end goals – ALWAYS!
So, yesterday the universe put me to the test big time. The gist of it is I shared a legitimate post (I verified source and looked at multiple sources to confirm the presented information) on Facebook. Ok, so mistake #1 – posting anything other than puppies, kids, pretty photos, and funny and powerful memes is off limits. I was going to put food in that list too but I’ve seen people get bashed for sharing food photos. Anyway — I digress as always!
I ruffled feathers and it was someone I truly care about… A person I have known and admired for years. She has been a rock-star Mom and entrepreneur who has had such a positive impact on her community. I burst into tears as soon as I realized the impact my post had.
Not sure why I always ‘assume’ that those who are in my circle share all of my views – or that I share all of theirs – something I’m working through. Because of her feedback both on Facebook and through private messages I chose to delete and pause my responses. My inner warrior was confused and I was a mess all day as the fire raged within but my mind stifled my spirit.
Jeff and I had many a discussion about how I could ‘fix’ the situation while still getting what I thought was a very needed message out there. I think he wanted me to drop it, as it was truly causing great conflict for me. Meanwhile another dear friend and I had been talking — she was sharing her and her family’s warrior activities and I was so proud of her – for speaking and living her truth – and for modeling that for her family. Why couldn’t I stand in my truth? Why couldn’t I have a voice without feeling guilty or scared that I was going to hurt someone?
In the end, there was nothing I truly needed to do as the post I had shared was being re-shared and discussed positively on LinkedIn and Facebook – the author was getting a lot of traction through his own circle too. However, I felt the damage was done and still doubted myself and my warrior spirit.
I wound up responding to her last night through a private message and said my truth. It wasn’t full-on but it was civil and kind. I totally respect her views and that she is technically doing what she does for the same reasons I do – for our children’s future and their well-being. We are on polar opposites of the view, however, I’m ok with that for now.
Can we co-exist and maintain friendship despite our differences? I hope so! I’ve spent the better part of 52 years being friends with so many people, and a vast majority of them don’t share all of my views.
I will warrior on and although I will maintain my filters of civility and kindness, I am done being tethered. I built Forged to bring light to the darkness. I built Forged to bring a voice to those who need to be heard. I know that we are all in need of tempering and forging. In fact I have this information on my home page of the Forged by Life website:
Metal is put under force and fire to create a shape and form. The goal of working the metal under extreme pressure is to change the uniform grain flow to be multi-directional increasing its durability and strength. By putting the metal through the forging process, it gains higher fatigue resistance and strength.
Playing it small and keeping my voice down does not help me grow. Nor does it serve this world. We all need forging to gain higher fatigue resistance and strength.
For all of us who are standing back waiting for the right time to find your voice, that time is now. Don’t let your voice be drowned out by the noise of this world. It’s time!
Your voice matters – don’t forget though, it’s not about getting louder when you don’t feel heard, it’s about being kind, civil, and adjusting your message if needed. Find others who will stand with you, as there is such power in communities who share vision and messaging.
Peace, love, wellness and powerful voices y’all! Warrior on!
Oh, and while doing a search for quotes and images I found this RedBubble Store – love his designs!
My brother, Sean O’Malley, lost hope 10 years ago this March (2022). We tried everything, but nothing was helping him fight the battle against a disease we didn’t understand yet. His death brought light to the darkness many were facing. We know know that darkness as CTE. Despite the daemons and the struggles, he lived a very full and powerful life, and I can not represent that accurately without sharing his final Earthly action which was death by suicide.
A dear soul sister wrote me last week and said she was going to share my brother’s ‘Against All Odds – College Football Highlight video (bel0w) with her son who wants to play football. I haven’t watched this video since my brother died by ‘choosing’ suicide in 2012. Sean was a famous motivation fitness coach (and former football rock star), who battled what we now know as CTE. I’ll be completely up front on this – I used to love football, but it’s been really hard to watch for the past 10 years without thinking about how it stole my brother’s life. (keep reading as I have a feeling I’m going to be releasing and letting go of this anger and resentment)
Oh, how I loved watching him play in high school and college – on all-star teams and in practices. He was so powerful, fast, and smart!
After watching the above video, I realized something. Football is what made him so great. Yes, he was smart, but no one ever saw him that way due to learning differences. He was stocky and ‘short’, so he focused on building physical strength and stamina. And, when no one was paying much attention, he put his smarts, stamina, size and strength to work for him and overcame ALL obstacles.
After injury prevented the pro career he dreamed of, he looked to keep his passions in play and created what was then knows as Earthwalker – where he served as a fitness coach packaged in a CD format. The concept took off and he rebranded as (and patented the concept for downloadable workouts) through HIIT Coach and CardioCoach. At that point, Jeff and I were involved in helping with the company – as were some amazing soul family who are still part of our tribe to this day. We all have continued on Sean’s legacy in so many ways. In fact, after his company was stolen from us (false signatures and document filings) following Sean’s death, we gave up on the legal battle (international and costly) and created Cardio Coach Legacy as a tribute to Sean and the influence he had.
Sean always taught me perseverance and to start everything from my heart. I know it seems dichotomous, as he chose to take his own life after a series of major emotional and physical traumas. He was a warrior to the end, and I am beginning to accept it is CTE that took his life, not suicide or even football.
I miss Sean more than I can say. We used to talk every night, we worked together all the time.
He was Jeff’s dear friend, he was Emma’s uncle, he lived with us during his struggle – so I saw all of it – the great, the really bad, and the really ugly. But, no matter what, he was present with Emma playing ball in the front yard and being the best uncle for her ever!
Sean is what it looks like when we give life everything we’ve got! He was a huge spark that lived life so fully. His life and death impacted so many. I’ve never seen my parents church so full (standing room only) for his funeral. People Sean had never met, other than through the workouts, flew in from around the world.
I don’t think Sean realized the impact he had on others. I know he didn’t realize what CTE was doing to him. Despite all the doubt and the struggle, he made such a huge difference!
I can’t help but want to be that – do that! I can’t help but choose triumph over doubt. I can’t help but go against all odds and make a difference in my life, and hopefully through my actions help others. It must be in my DNA… Here’s to you ‘little’ brother! Thanks for being my inspiration today and every day! I love you always Shmoo!
Struggling with life, with work, with being? 