I don’t belong in this world…

It’s been a really tough week, as a wife, as a mom, as a daughter, as a human being.

I’ll admit, things got a little dark and I still feel a bit uneasy about where we stand as a little family right now. We are currently in what is considered paradise by many and I truly wish we never came here. We flew down to see a medical specialist/surgeon for Emma and there isn’t a day that we don’t all look at each other and say “we hate it here”.

We certainly don’t belong in this world, and I’m questioning how well I will belong in any world moving forward. The people, the traffic, the drivers, the egos, the stores, the bigger-better-faster – it’s all a bit much. I feel like I am in a rich person’s Mad Max as lawlessness and ‘every man for themselves’ has been the norm this week.

I am more unsettled in this place where every driveway has either a Lamborghini, two BMWs, three Land Rovers, four boats, or all of the above – than I was jogging in the evenings in downtown Baltimore where I was chased by some scary characters on a regular basis.

Going to the local high-end grocery store makes me feel like I’m in the Red-Light District in Amsterdam as men who smell like cologne factories wearing more jewelry that is worth more than our house — and have more chest-hair than head-hair make me feel incredibly uncomfortable as they throw inappropriate comments my way.

Even the natural world that I would expect has been bastardized and humanized to the point of being toxic and de-energizing.

This isn’t the world I envisioned. In fact, about 18 years ago I was having powerful visions which were attributed to what we call ‘my awakening’. It was during this time I left the systems, the conventional world, and learned about things that I had no real experience with – mostly the spiritual side of my life. So here I am again, relying on that deep faith, hope, and knowing that we will get through this, but honestly questioning if we want to…things have been so wonky, it’s hard to be hopeful.

It’s not just the environment we are in that is draining us, it’s the spiritual attacks as we would call them. There are one too many to name, but I can tell you we can’t help but laugh at the absurdity and the ‘no one would believe us’ if we told them what was going on…

So, we leave here in two days and we can’t wait to get back to our little mountain town in Virginia. Emma has about a six-week recovery from surgery she had on Tuesday, and I know it will all be ok, but what’s next? We had planned on going to Europe for a few weeks but Jeff pointed out that every time we leave our little sanctuary, we are so disappointed. He’s right, and there is a good chance that Europe won’t be as amazing as I remember it from 25 years ago!

I cried like a baby yesterday telling Jeff that I realized I don’t belong in this world. This isn’t what I signed up for! I’ve spent the better part of 18 years being a warrior, infusing as much love and hope into this world, hoping that it would make a difference. In some ways I felt so abnormal and alone in my efforts. And then, all of the sudden it became cool to recycle, to can food from the garden, to have dirt under my nails, to wear second-hand clothing, to spend time in nature, to give a shit about something other than my own life and give back to something greater than all of us. I felt peace living as naturally as possible and raising our child to be conscious of our planet and people. Until 2020 It was ok that we didn’t vaccinate her. It was ok that we honored powers greater than us in natural ways and moved away from religion. It was ok that we started homeschooling/unschooling Emma after she was terrorized in 3rd grade.

And now? Now we are feeling the divisiveness take over again. We are feeling unsafe in our views, our practices, and our reason for being. And it’s starting to take its toll.

We aren’t alone, and that is why I’m writing this and sharing what I read last night. There are no coincidences, so when I saw two other posts on FB that completely captured our sentiments, I knew there was something to the despair and dissonance that we’ve been feeling, especially this week while we are completely outside of our comfort zone.

I have permission to share these posts and then I will share my vision with you. I’m hoping that this resonates with others who may not be feeling safe or are thinking they don’t belong in this world either. We do belong here – we just need to name it and claim it, and here’s my attempt at doing that:

A POST FROM EARLIER TODAY ON FACEBOOK:

ANOTHER POST FROM A DIFFERENT FACEBOOK PEEP THE SAME DAY:

Here is my vision that I have held since 2003. I did have pieces of this vision even as a young child, but was reprimanded for my views on inclusion, peace, and politics. My Dad saw me as a new-age greenie, my Mom said there was something wrong with my head, my brother would call me flakey. They never supported my efforts to advocate for our people and planet. I tempered all of that and tried to stand in what they wanted for me for years, and I believe the time has come that I use my voice, my talents, and my energy for what I believe in:

I am done with religion as the self-righteous who protect their own and are blind to the world around them.

I am done with the rich and powerful who flaunt their fortunes and ignore those in need unless it benefits them from a tax / financial standpoint. There is no lack, just selfishness and fear.

And, as far as my vision, it hasn’t changed:

• I would wake up each morning knowing that we were loved and supported for who we are and what we stand in – even if different from others and their view.
• We would each take care of each other without losing ourselves in the process. Our children would be protected from the monsters of the world and would be safe being themselves. Our elders would be honored and treated with dignity and love. And those of us in the middle wouldn’t be dreaming of a retirement that we can’t afford anyway. We would do what we love, earn more than a living wage without being burned out by corporations that put profit before people.
• We would grow ourselves and cultivate healthy relationships based on mutual respect and unconditional love for each other.
• We would build communities, garden, care for our livestock/animals, share in harvests nourishing each other while creating natural spaces that support clean air, water, land.
• We would share our gifts with others without hesitation. Can you imagine if each of us donated 2-4 hours a week to and advocated for a cause we believed instead of watching the latest brainwashing news or digital manipulation?
• We would focus on healing body, mind, and spirit in holistic and healthy ways without fear or risk (or four minutes of side-effects from xyz in advertisements for drugs / treatments that are supposed to help, not harm).
• We would learn about our gifts, be surrounded by tribes that support us standing in those gifts, while feeling completely safe just being ourselves.
• We would elevate, raise the vibrations around us, and not feel the need to do – we would just be and trust that there is no lack – that there is enough for EVERYONE.
• There would be peace, not war. Community not division. Pride and not ego. Love without control or fear.

This is my world. This is how I have and always will envision it. I would love to hear about yours!

Peace and love y’all!