I had no idea that I was a candidate for a nervous breakdown. I was so focused on recovering from burnout that I didn’t see I had all the signs… not to be dramatic. Just wanted to share what I’ve learned, as my journey continues to be full of surprises and lessons.
The nervous breakdown kicked in the night after I saw my Mom in the ER a few weeks ago. It was such a surreal and horrible experience at the hospital – to see how our healthcare system continues to struggle despite being staffed by amazing people who are probably feeling much of what I am feeling…and more!
I had a week of multiple panic attacks during the night, during the day, they came in fast and furious. I thought just when I had gotten things settled a bit more for my Mom, we were back at square one and I would have to find yet another stay for her journey through all of her major health crises.
I was trying all sorts of natural remedies for anxiety and filling any free moments of peace with naps as I wasn’t sleeping much at all. I was still working almost full=time as a contractor and doing my best to keep up with Forged and my family stuff.
I literally was following all the steps and trying all the techniques for staying grounded, but they don’t prepare you for caring for an elder with dementia. They don’t tell you that they walk around naked (in fact, I just learned my Mom was going to the dining room without anything on her bottom half just now). They don’t tell you that playing with feces is a thing! They don’t tell you that STDs are more common in assisted living / memory care facilities than in high school kids! They don’t tell you that paranoia, volatility, and aggression are part of the advanced stages of dementia. It’s enough to make me crazy – and it did.
And, as quickly as I figured out I was losing it, I came back. I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and completely agitated and Jeff took me downstairs to get something to drink and talk it out. I was having vivid nightmares, and I had just woken up to dreaming that Jeff and I were swept up in our RV by a tornado. I was pumping the brakes thinking we were skidding into traffic, but realized we were being catapulted into traffic. I’m not thinking this is a prophetic dream, as we did have a tornado warning that night.
Anyway, I yelled out to the Universe that I refused to be this person who was scared and freaking out. That I was not going to take anymore of this BS… and that I was stronger than this. I also detached myself from my Mom’s behaviors and just said “oh well”… whether I visit her or not doesn’t matter much anymore. It’s like a Ground Hog day that keeps getting worse because I keep looking for the positive but dementia keeps taking parts of her away and tainting my memories with the craziest of experiences.
So, here I am after forcing myself to get my shit together, ‘requiring’ Jeff take me out for date nights and weekend festivals despite my aversion to people (in the general sense), and I’m feeling like myself again (still taking natural anxiety remedies but I’m sleeping, eating, breathing normally, and socializing – so that’s a start!). During this time I also fell and damaged my ‘bionic’ wrist and twisted myself up – but that too is reparable and it’s not going to keep me down.
What do I do with all this – I recognize that I can work through stress and burnout all I want, but inevitably things can happen that can take me to ‘nervous breakdown land’ without much warning. I see it clearly looking back and can describe when it hit in complete detail.
Today, I decided I wanted to share what I’ve learned through my research and experiences. And I offer my services to those of you who may resonate with this information. Here’s a cool infographic I found on Nervous Breakdown symptoms. Can you relate?
Stay well and be true to your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs my friends!
Take care, Colleen
Struggling with life, with work, with being? 